Greetings! April 2005 Hope you are all enjoying this beautiful spring weather! This month's workout is about that topic we would rather not deal with..."Confrontation". Rather than brush it under the rug, I thought I'd provide for you some tips and techniques to help overcome the fear of confrontation so that the next time you have to confront, it is something you welcome instead of avoid :-) I am thrilled to share my other business, Flames of Grace, art and jewelry design and invite you to an art opening called "Spring Fever!" where I will be exhibiting my latest artwork and designs on Friday, May 20th at Supershag Studio, Waltham MA. Details are below. If, at any time, you would like to unsubscribe, simply go to the end of the newsletter. Enjoy! Jean M. DiGiovanna, President, ThinkPeople Monthly Theme Monthly Workout Monthly Poem Upcoming Workshops/ Events The Fear of Confrontation It’s been quite eye opening to discover more and more how much those in high positions in Corporations and Organizations avoid confrontation. I would gather to say they are no different than most of us. But, what’s more unsettling is the negative impact on ourselves, on those we avoid and on the situation itself when we don’t address the elephant in the room. So often, when I hear others complain about something or someone, I’ve asked them, “Have you spoken to the person directly or raised it to your manager?” and 9 out of 10 times, the answer is “No”. We’ve really created a dilemma for ourselves. We expect change to occur, people to act differently toward us, yet we are not speaking up and letting them know the impact of what they are doing. Fear gets in the way – fear of losing face, fear of retribution, fear of hurting the other person or fear of looking bad or screwing up. Our ego and emotions get in the way. But, more often than not, we are unequipped with the tools to confront with tact, power and grace. So, when it comes time to bring up what is really there, we freeze up. We don’t know what to say or how to say it. Or, we blow up in the moment and act out of frustration and anger. Either way, we are left unfulfilled and drained. Sound familiar? Beneath every complaint is always a commitment to what is truly important. It may not seem evident at the onset, but there is something below the surface that drives us. What is it that you are ultimately committed to? And, whatever that is, take the plunge and speak up for what you believe. Take a stand for creating the environment you want to work and live in! I offer you in this month’s workout below some practical tools and techniques to handle confrontation in hopes the more you practice, the easier it will be, and in doing so, you inspire others to follow suit. Cheers and Happy Confronting! Jean M. DiGiovanna Monthly Workout: Handling Confrontation Explore the following tools and techniques below for this month's workout: Take a timeout When you feel angry, heated or the need to lash out, take a break to cool down. Disclose what you are up to, but take time before responding! e.g. “I would like to talk with you about this, but I need some time to cool down and get my thoughts together”. Choose your battles - Take a moment to step back and decide whether confronting this issue is something you feel important enough to take the time out to do. Preparation for your Communication/Confrontation: Plan in advance what you want to say. Get clear on what is really frustrating you. Stick to the facts –What was actually said or done and what impact did that have on you or how did it make you feel? (e.g. “When I shared my opinions with you yesterday at the meeting, and you told me to forget about it, I felt discounted. It felt like what I said didn’t matter”.) Make the request. What is it you need from the other person? (e.g. “What I am looking for is respect. It’s ok if you do not agree with my opinion, but I would like to be able to share it and feel heard. Is that something you are willing to do in the future?”) Wait for a response – Patiently wait for the other person to respond. Do not try to fill the silence :-) Communicate carefully - Two styles of communication result in defensiveness – Starting with the word “You” or “Why” in your communication. (e.g. “You did not meet my expectations”, or “Why didn’t you call me when you said you would?”) Translate the statement so the focus is back on yourself by using the words “I” or “My”. (e.g. “My expectations were not met” or “I did not hear from you when I expected to”) Every defensive statement can be refocused, so take the time to choose the words that have the greatest impact and keep the conversation open. Practice what you want to say out loud or to a friend. The more times you repeat it out loud, the more clarity you will have around it and the more confidence and ease you will have when you actually need to deliver the communication. Delivery of the Communication Show your humanity. If you feel nervous, scared and challenged in confronting, disclose that right in the beginning. (E.g. “I am not used to sharing my feelings, so please bear with me.” Or “What I am about to say is difficult, so I’m going to do my best.”). It will diffuse the tenseness and allow you to be present. Acknowledge the other person for who they are for you, or what you are committed to around your relationship with them (e.g. “I really care about our friendship and am committed to keeping open communication” or “I really get your commitment to the team and know how important being a part of it is for you”). Share your feedback – This is where you stick to the facts and share your impact. Make the request - State your needs or what you are looking for and make the request. Let the other respond. Ask open ended questions if appropriate – If you want to understand more about the situation or where the other person is coming from, stay curious and ask “What, How, When, or Who” questions. Thank them for their time and for anything else you want to acknowledge. Remember, practice makes progress so be gentle with yourself! I look forward to hearing what you experience! (please e-mail me at jdigi@thinkpeople.com) Poem of the Month: Confrontation Communication is key and challenging to master. For some, it comes easy, and others a disaster. Take the time to reflect, in what is truly there. Gather your thoughts and feelings before you share. It is possible to express with poise and grace, Get the message across, and not lose face. When you are open and curious and acknowledge with heart, You will always leave feeling powerful from the start.                          ~ by Jean M. DiGiovanna Upcoming Workshops, Events, Announcements PUBLIC APPEARANCES The Power of Intention: The Key to Attracting what you want...Effortlessly Dream Year 2005 Women's Conference - Saturday, May 21, 2005 8am - 8pm    Framingham Conference Center, Framingham, MA Jean will be leading two workshop breakout sessions where you will learn tools that help you attract what you want instead of force, control and "make" happen the things you want in your life.To register or for more info, see http://www.cantorconsulting.com Effortless Networking Boston Young Professionals Association - Tuesday, June 21, 2005 6pm - 8pm    Vinalia, Boston, MA Many of us relate to networking as hard work, a struggle, pushing our services or products and that dreaded word..."selling"! It doesn't have to be that way! In this networking event and workshop, you will practice techniques in a safe environment and will leave with increased confidence, renewed energy and concrete connections to pursue future business opportunities. To register or for more info, see http://www.bostonypa.com/event.asp?id=222 EVENTS Artist Opening "Spring Fever!" - Friday, May 20, 2005 7pm - 9pm at . Jean will be showing her new collection of abstract artwork and Spring and Summer Jewelry Collection! Join us for wine & cheese, mingling and a dance lesson if you so choose! The artwork will be up until the end of June. Supershag Megadance Studio, 406 Moody St, Waltham, MA. More info, see http://www.supershag.com Boston Women's Network (BWN) invites you to "An Evening of Pampering ~ Rejuvinate & Energize yourself from the inside out and the outside in!". Join us for an opportunity to experience, try out and learn more about services and products to pamper and indulge in for your own self-care! Tuesday, May 24, 2005 from 6:00pm - 9:00pm at the Sheraton Lexington Inn To register or for more info, see http://www.bostonwomensnetwork.org/news/052405_meeting.html Curious about ThinkPeople's other services? Check out Facilitation/Training/ Consulting" I hope you've enjoyed ThinkPeople's Monthly Workout and found value out of it! Feel free to forward to your friends, family and colleagues. To read past editions of ThinkPeople's Newsletters and to learn more about our services and products, visit us at http://www.thinkpeople.com/resources.html If you wish to unsubscribe, please e-mail unsubscribe@thinkpeople.com Copyright Info: ThinkPeople's Monthly Workout for the mind, heart and soul is ©2004 Jean M. DiGiovanna. All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this publication may be reproduced without express written permission from the publisher. Jean M. DiGiovanna, Publisher Amy Rewakowski, Editor ThinkPeople ~ Playground for Shifting Reality jdigi@thinkpeople.com http://www.thinkpeople.com/ 617.489.7494